The Vicious Christmas Cycle
Ahh, Christmas. The two-week holiday from my students, the fun of getting and giving cool stuff, the trips, the parties...and the family drama.Ben and I are leaving for South Korea in five days. I have been super-excited for the following reasons, the last of which has been shattered.
1. I get to see my brother, who lives there, and I think is pretty great.
2. I get to see my sister-in-law, who lives there too (duh), who is also pretty great.
3. I get to see my new nephew, whom I haven't met yet, but I am certain is also pretty great.
4. I get to spend a LOT of time with my mighty fab hubby.
5. I will be able to see and learn about a new country. Always an adventure.
*6. I will escape my family's Christmas drama. (No longer valid, but on my original list.)
I have a relatively large family, which you may have figured out if you either know me personally or checked my list of links which reference anyone bearing the name "Mooney." Two brothers, both married with kids. Sister and her very cool boyfriend. Two awesome parents who are very much involved in all of our lives in a great way. I don't spend much time complaining about my family. I have been so blessed, believe me. We Mooney siblings get along swimmingly, and we have all found significant others that jive really well with our pre-established groove. I don't take these things for granted.
One recurring problem my family seems to have, however, is holiday planning. Combine a rather large immediate family with grandkids and in-laws and a Christmas Eve birthday and travel plans, and you have a regular rubik's cube of holiday fun. Many families have found that one day over the holidays that is always a given and everyone just knows they will reserve, but we, for some unknown reason, can't seem to pursue this logical solution. Every year we replay the stresses and confusion from twelve months ago. People get busy, get stressed, forget things, fly to other countries or states, have birthdays, and then someone inevitably gets really upset about it not working out the way they want it to. I, for one, try to just come to terms with the fact that we have a large, very active and busy family, and sometimes things just aren't going to work out. I try to help mediate and offer solutions as much as I can, but I only seem to make things worse. On December 26 every year, I breathe a sigh of relief that I don't have to watch this pattern happen again for another eleven months.
This past weekend, we celebrated Christmas with my family since we will be spending Christmas Day doing some Seoul-searching (yeah, you heard me). I was hoping that this would provide an escape for Ben and me from the Mooney holiday planning fiasco. I was also hoping that, since everyone managed to be together for a meal and some present-opening, it would alleviate some of the pressure for everyone to have to be together at once over the "special" dates of Dec. 24 and 25. Both of my hopes were unfounded, however. After our really enjoyable lunch and gift exchange, the conversation began with the duh-duh-duh (insert dramatic background tone here) question, "Okay, so when are we going to get together over Christmas?" This was followed by a 30-minute conversation in which people did that they always did- misunderstand, overreact, and get worried over something that really isn't that important. Not everyone, mind you. Generally, the women tend to get emotional over this, and the men just stand by, know not to get involved if they can help it, and wait for the storm to blow over. Since it didn't concern me, I gladly left the room and went to the kitchen to get a knife so I could cut the tension.
My family is happy, and healthy. How is it that we can have so many blessings and priceless gifts to our name, yet continue to get so worried over comparatively insignificant things?
Does this happen in everyone's family, or is it just us??? Does every family have that one "thing" they get worked up over every time?
Is it possible to change a well-established family habit?
posted by Gina @ 9:58 PM
3 Comments:
Ahh, so you have written about the ultimate in fairy tales. Once upon a time, our family agreed upon [insert something]. Families, by definition, cannot agree on when to celebrate stuff. In my family this year, Nannie got upset because the Christmas Eve gathering wouldn't be at her house. (Mind you, it hasn't been at her house ever.) And then, since we all live near each other, we usually stop by a previously decided on home and visit on Christmas Day. Well, since marriages, divorces, babies and the like have occurred, twice in a 2-day period seems insane. Why can't we do the Saturday before and After for both sides of the family, and save Christmas Day for your own family to worship the birth of Christ. When I have children, I would hate for their meaning of Christmas to be getting in the car all day to visit old smelly people. So here's my declaration: I will celebrate the holidays with my family when I can. I will not feel guilty if my plans get in the way. I will not travel on Christmas Day to appease the family. I will spend Christmas celebrating Jesus birth.
When McKenna was turning 2, we had an awful Christmas. We got up, got our presents from Santa (we only do stockings that way), and had breakfast. Then it was off to one family, for presents and a meal. Then it was off to another family, for presents and a meal. We got back to our house at about 8pm. McKenna hadn't had a nap, other than about 10 minutes in the car from one family to another. She had an awful day, and we had still not opened our own gifts. (And the next day, we had another family gathering to go to, with more gifts and another big meal.)
I declared that Christmas that we would not be leaving our house on Christmas until mid-afternoon, and that more or less meant that it would be only one family that would get visited on Christmas. I remember that mom didn't seem to be too pleased with the proclamation. But as a result, last year was MUCH better. We got to open our presents, the kids had their nap, and then we headed out for extended family time.
With as complicated as the past eight years have been for us -- we were the pioneers in the Mooney family, and we paid the price for it -- I could not imagine would it would be like with divorces, stepparents, etc.
I think part of the Mooney family's problem is that, when it comes to Christmas, we're slackers. Every year, growing up, was either (a) go to WV and follow everyone else's schedule (which always worked out since one family was on Christmas Eve, and another on Christmas Evening), or (b) stay home and have no schedule at all (which describes my preference to this day). Until I got married, we didn't have to consider anyone else's schedule than our own. Then I got married, and Amy and I ended up eating at Waffle House on our first Christmas. (No joke.)
Having a child born on Christmas Eve hasn't helped. (We've been trying to keep that day as much about her birthday as we can.) Having a sister marry a couple of days before that hasn't helped. This year, having a brother in Korea who everyone (except me) gets to go see hasn't helped, either.
In any case, I'm sure every family goes through this as they adjust from the atomic family (parents and kids) to the extended family (grandparents, multiple families with kids). But I do think the fact that we were always isolated from our extended family means that we're not as well prepared to handle the transition.
hmm, I've always gotten in the car and gone to visit both grandparents in one day. Over the years, as parents divorced, and I got older and moved out, I now have 4, not 2 places to go. Now, I am married, but fortunately for us, his family is in a different state. One year we stay at his parents place all day long and chill, the next year we drive all over creation seeing everybody I know (and some I don't) in my extended family (it's very large). I never even knew that there were families that didn't go anywhere until a couple of years ago when we were at his parents house. I certainly have no idea what we will be doing once we have children. I guess if we are in another country, we won't have the extended family issues.
All I know is that I love to see all of my family members at this time of year. Usually for us, that is the only day set aside by everyone to do so, so we do.
I do hope for you and your family that everyone will focus more on Jesus, and less on Christmas Day.
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