The post I have been avoiding...
First, let me apologize to you, my faithful readership, in being patient with me in my inconsistent blogging record. Yes, I admit it, I am an infrequent blogger. There are many reasons for this. Most of the time, I feel my life is not very interesting and I struggle to find topics about which people would want to read. I don't generally have the time to blog about random topics (urinals, fainting goats, etc.) similar to the way my frequent-blogger friend Eric would (especially during work hours). The "serious" blog posts I think about writing scare me most of the time, which leads me to believe others might be frightened as well.Because of these and other I'm-really-busy kind of lame excuses, I have neglected my blog. I have come to the important conclusion, though, that I won't be able to blog on anything else until I get my scary-serious thoughts published.
So, here goes. Beware that this is not the normal kind of "Christian" post complaining about institutional churches or explaining some warm fuzzy about God. This is me, in all of my brutal honesty, in all of the things I have really struggled with over the last several months.
I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember. I honestly don't remember not being a Christian. God has always been a part of my life, for which I am deeply grateful. I owe most of my childhood foundations to my incredible mother, brothers, and my childhood church. I can't express to you the depth of God's blessing and faithfulness to me over the course of my life. I have always loved Him and wanted to know Him. There have been several rough times in my history when I have drawn closer to Him. I've even prayed before for trials so that I could grow closer to Him. Yeah. Don't do that.
Recently, God has brought my life to a place in which my trials have made me question everything about Him. This has totally freaked me out. For a person who has always known and loved Him, questioning the basic traits of God is somewhat distressing. Now, when I say the "basic traits," let me explain what I mean. I have seriously questioned whether or not God loves me. I have questioned whether He has anything good planned for my future. I have questioned whether He has me in mind whatsoever as He carries out his plan for the universe and His glory. I have felt like straight-and-narrow roadkill, an unfortunate casualty of what is necessary to make Him look good.
Trust me, I understand it's not all about me, but recent events have led me to question whether God even considers me in His thoughts at all. Does He see? Does He hear? Does He care? Am I just a checkmated chess piece in some kind of deity game? Sometimes, I'm so angry with Him that I don't even want to talk to Him. Sometimes, I don't even like Him. Doesn't bother God, but it really sucks for me.
I feel like I am starting to come out of these questions with the beginnings of answers. Now, these answers are not ones that people can tell me in our over-churched cliche's. I have to learn the lessons and seek them out for myself. There have been a few people I have been encouraged by, but only because I know they have been through it already and are still holding on to something.
Here are some things I have started to hold on to this week. All italics are mine.
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.
Isaiah 61:1-3
1 But now, this is what the LORD says×
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you...
Isaiah 43:1-4
15 Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints.
Psalm 116:15
17 Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish.
In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction;
you have put all my sins behind your back.
Isaiah 38:17
2 I cry out to God Most High, to God, who fulfills His purpose for me.
Psalm 57:2
11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
Jeremiah 29:11
I hope to not only hold onto these truths weakly, but deeply believe them one day soon. honestly believe every seeker of God will have to question Him this deeply and seek the answers at some point in their walk. Finding answers to these questions is not fun, pleasant, or pretty. I just hope I have the courage and patience to find them, and believe.
posted by Gina @ 7:25 PM
6 Comments:
Thanks for Saturday...that was fun! And thanks for blogging your "raw" post...there's comfort in knowing we're not the only ones asking questions of God. What I hold on to from what I heard this weekend is the way to understand God's ways, yes even His justice, is through time and experience. Refinement is good, right?! :) So, I leave you with these wise words from a few friends of mine...'Hold on for one more day and you'll break free, break from the chains'...I love you.
Gina:
I have defined my journey as of late through questions... and over the past few years, I've adopted the title of "pilgrim" and defined my journey with and to God... even my very "salvation" as a matter of process and journey. Questions and doubt are required for an honest relationship with anyone, especially the one you consider to be your creator. Be comfortable with the process, embracing the love of your faith community and God. Do not try and fit your questions (or possible answers to those questions) into your previously conceived notions of God... but allow God to ebb and flow with you as you journey. Embrace Lamentations... and the Jewish concept and image of shaking your fist at the heavens in seeking to understand.
In reviewing a book in college, I wrote and referenced to the following:
"The well-established Jewish tradition of challenging God by questioning his ways is quite evident in Old Testament scripture. The most notable example is Job, yet Abraham, Moses, and Jeremiah also rebel against God and hold him responsible for the injustice of the world. The questions result from the belief in God, not the denial of Him. In Wiesel’s The Town Beyond the Wall, a character exclaims that
“I want to blaspheme, and I can’t quite manage it. I go up against [God], I shake my fist, I froth with rage, bur it’s still a way of telling Him that He’s there, that He exists, that He’s never the same twice, that denial itself is an offering to His grandeur. The shout becomes a prayer in spite of me.”
Welcome to the terrifying journey.
Meredith
PS -- your "friend" has access to your blog through your comments on my blog. i appreciate your expressed care for her, but if she were to read this, she would most likely experience a great deal of hurt that you didn't express this directly to her. that's my reflection upon that particular entry.
Thanks for the brutal honesty, it's quite refreshing. I will be praying for you on this matter. Stay encouraged Gina, you have always been a wonderful, passionate and encouraging child of God. Even questioning won't change that. Thank you for your blog and your frienship.
Thanks for the encouragement, everyone. Memer, I really appreciate what you said about Jewish culture. I feel like part of my problem (and many other people) is the culture in which we grew up. I am lucky in that my family tended to encourage questioning much more than the community around me. Thank God questioning is okay, and even encouraged, at least by Him.
Also, I appreciate what you said about my other post. I decided it was best to go ahead and delete it altogether at this point. Thank you for being honest and sharing your thoughts.
G
WOW!!! I am in astonishment at the knowledge I have just gained about questioning God. Weisel wrote very eloquently. Again, this is comfort. As everyone has pretty much said, and I also believe, we all must go through deep times of trial where we question. I, like Gina, have even prayed for these times so that I could know God better. At this point in my life, that prayer is not on my list, and I don't wish it to be. However, I know that when deeper trials come my way, I will probably need a reminder of the things listed in this blog, as well as the reminders and encouragement from friends that I am not alone.
Gina, I appreciate you, and am helping pray you through this time. In my long-term, spiritual mind, I know that this will be beautiful, and I know somewhere you do too. But the long-term, spiritual, stuff we just have to believe will end up that way, thinking is not the way we think most of the time. Here's to waiting with you!
Love you!
Gina you are one of the most faithful people that I know and I am inspired by you. I have known you most of my life and I think you are a wonderfully spirtual person. People could learn a thing or two from you! Stay encourage and know that I love you and I am always praying for you!!
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